Two and a Half Men (2003)

Season 1

September 22, 2003 24 Episodes

Bachelor Charlie Harperu2019s carefree life is turned upside down when his uptight brother Alan and nephew Jake move in, sparking chaos and comedy in Malibu.

Episodes

Pilot
Episode 1
6.5

Pilot

Sep 22, 2003

23 minutes

Carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper has his lifestyle altered when his uptight brother and his 10-year-old nephew move in with him.

Big Flappy Bastards
Episode 2
7.2

Big Flappy Bastards

Sep 29, 2003

21 minutes

Despite warnings from Charlie, Jake continues to feed seagulls on the deck and the birds invade the house. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks Judith is taking advantage of Alan, who keeps going to her house to fix things.

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
Episode 3
7.3

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

Oct 6, 2003

21 minutes

Jake wants to go home to his mom after he gets sick, prompting Alan to think he's a failure as a husband and now as a father.

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
Episode 4
7.6

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

Oct 13, 2003

21 minutes

Charlie can't function when his housekeeper storms off because of Alan's constant complaints, so Alan tries desperately to woo her back. Meanwhile, Rose comes to Charlie for dating advice.

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump
Episode 5
7.3

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

Oct 20, 2003

19 minutes

Alan and Charlie have encounters with some highly libidinous soccer moms, but with two very different outcomes.

Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
Episode 6
6.8

Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

Oct 27, 2003

21 minutes

The guys go to Evelyn's house to meet the new man she's dating, and Charlie realizes the man's daughter is a woman he's trying to avoid.

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
Episode 7
7.6

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

Nov 3, 2003

21 minutes

Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake . Then Alan's worried when Judith and the surfer become friends.

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful
Episode 8
7.2

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

Nov 10, 2003

19 minutes

Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.

Phase One, Complete
Episode 9
6.8

Phase One, Complete

Nov 17, 2003

21 minutes

Charlie is convinced that a woman who spent the night with him wants to turn their relationship into something serious after she befriends Jake and Evelyn.

Merry Thanksgiving
Episode 10
7.1

Merry Thanksgiving

Nov 24, 2003

21 minutes

Realizing he's losing someone special, Charlie plans a Thanksgiving dinner to convince her he's a family guy and that she should be with him.

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
Episode 11
6.9

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Dec 15, 2003

20 minutes

When Alan is surprised to see that Judith has had a makeover and is dating a man, he decides to have Charlie help him transform his image.

Camel Filters and Pheromones
Episode 12
7.0

Camel Filters and Pheromones

Jan 5, 2004

21 minutes

Berta's granddaughter spends the day at Charlie's, which isn't a problem until he learns she's a beautiful, rebellious 16-year-old.

Sarah Like Puny Alan
Episode 13
6.7

Sarah Like Puny Alan

Jan 12, 2004

20 minutes

Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie's been wanting to date for a long time.

I Can't Afford Hyenas
Episode 14
6.8

I Can't Afford Hyenas

Feb 2, 2004

21 minutes

Charlie's financial manager informs the carefree jingle writer that he spends money faster than his royalty checks come in, and now he must go on a budget.

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
Episode 15
6.9

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

Feb 9, 2004

21 minutes

Charlie invites a mysterious, slightly crazed woman to stay at the house until she can settle some family problems.

That Was Saliva, Alan
Episode 16
7.0

That Was Saliva, Alan

Feb 16, 2004

21 minutes

Charlie is perplexed when Frankie, the mysterious woman temporarily living in the Harper household, begins falling for Alan and not him.

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
Episode 17
7.3

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

Feb 23, 2004

20 minutes

Charlie's still brooding over Alan's choice of their cousin as Jake's guardian if both parents die when the boy has an accident while in his care and has to be rushed to the hospital.

An Old Flame with a New Wick
Episode 18
7.1

An Old Flame with a New Wick

Mar 1, 2004

21 minutes

Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man.

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
Episode 19
7.2

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

Mar 22, 2004

19 minutes

Judith's devious siren sister stirs things up at Jake's 11th birthday party when she hits on Alan. Meanwhile, Evelyn brings alcohol and has a party of her own.

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
Episode 20
6.9

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

Apr 19, 2004

21 minutes

Jake's sullen mood baffles and bothers the family and prompts Alan and Judith to take him to a child psychologist.

No Sniffing, No Wowing
Episode 21
6.9

No Sniffing, No Wowing

May 3, 2004

21 minutes

Charlie plays a tricky game when he gets involved with Alan's divorce lawyer, who could make things difficult for Alan if she were, say, dumped by a self-centered lothario.

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
Episode 22
6.7

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

May 10, 2004

21 minutes

When Charlie discovers that Alan is sleepwalking, he believes it's related to his brother's lack of sex following his divorce, and comes up with a cure.

Just Like Buffalo
Episode 23
7.4

Just Like Buffalo

May 17, 2004

21 minutes

When Jake repeats one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women convince Judith to stop Jake's visits with his dad and Charlie.

Can You Feel My Finger?
Episode 24
7.0

Can You Feel My Finger?

May 24, 2004

21 minutes

Charlie has a pregnancy scare involving one of his one-night stands and decides to go for the big "V," and we're not talking Vegas.